That’s Entertainment!

It’s just so deliciously daft, you would be forgiven for thinking some card had made it up. No, silly, not the welfare reform bill. The #GLASGOWARTLICENCE

I promised my tired right brain no more blog posts but this one comes by popular demand. Ask and it shall be granted, friends. Your bill for this temporary, non commercial blog is in the post, by the way.

Ach, who am I kidding. The real reason I haven’t blogged since 2011 is because, as you know, I am inherently lazy, useless, pointless and lazy, like all lazy, pointless culture workers. Give me a simple task like filling in a 4-page Creative Scotland application form with only 250 words per question (EASY PEASY, IDIOT!!! Foundation level Standard Grade in Home Ec. asks for more, you whinging moron!) and an elementary set of guidelines which only change every five months, out of the blue, like a dog’s period, and I fall to pieces.

We are stupid, you see, us bams who do up our top buttons (it’s cold, right?), pontificate over vaseline-smeared plaster dust and can’t get proper jobs because we’re just too damn inept.

It’s about time someone came along and made our lives that wee bit more challenging. We need educating. We need to know about the REAL world. We need grown-ups to tell us when to stop playing about with potato stamps and get on with our homework. We need AN EXAM.

Seriously, that’s what I thought about when I read wur Cooncil’s Briefing Note on Public Entertainment…section 41 blahblahlegalthingswelazypointlesspeopledon’tunderstand 176(2)(a) amendment. I got that same clammy-handed feeling I had when sitting a class test in Higher Maths. It was the moment when I realised studying Higher Maths made me 1. a failure and 2. an unsexy failure and that I’d rather be doing something I was 1. good at 2. not being made to do and 3.sexy. Of course, I left Higher Maths to be useless at Art. But at least I enjoyed it and my hands were mostly dry (sloshing turps across the 6th year final textiles submissions is something I’d rather not go into here).

The Briefing reads like a trick question, no? (I mean yes? What do I mean? HELP ME!) Particularly this part:  ‘The Council’s Licensing Team can provide general guidance on the Public Entertainment Licensing process but they cannot provide legal advice. Legal advice includes advice concerning the correct interpretation of legislation.’ Oh. Okay. [Fingers slide across keypad.]

BUT what they can do, actually, is interpret the legislation to exempt school halls, church halls, gala days and fetes, and small scale outdoor events ‘of a community nature’. Which is why The Cooncil remain coonts even though it’s the SNP’s obsession with tanning salons that got us here in the first place.

If you don’t believe me about that last bit, take a look at this. 

So, basically, here’s what’s happening to the arts in Glasgow:

Me: Sandra White - you’re no right.

SW: Listen. What you don’t understand is that small-scale, not-for-profit art exhibitions are becoming a tempting target for organised criminals to launder money, especially since they are slowly being squeezed out of other areas such as tanning salons. We’re only talking about a very small minority of arty-farty monkey-spankers in Glasgow that aren’t legitimate, but this small amount need to be tackled.

Me: Er, I just don’t see how an art exhibition in my flat would allow me to launder money?

SW: All crooks like you need to do is leave an unpaid intern or other associate to look after the day-to-day running of the so-called ‘exhibition’, get a few unsuspecting unemployed people or art students through the door, and then you can cook the books and pretend your crooked cash has been earned from Creative Scotland. Let’s be honest – if your primary interests are simply impressing that stripy-shirted, legacy-building no-hoper Andrew Dixon you’re not exactly going to be that concerned about the health and safety of your audience.

Me: Fair enough.

Well, SNP Sandra, guess what? You’ve got a whole load of angry hipsters gnashing at your bum now, and having a lopsided fringe and a big black necklace won’t convince anyone that you’re for the Year of Creative Scotland (gags on own bile - have you SEEN the marketing material?).

Glasgow Petition against the new legislation: 

http://www.change.org/petitions/the-scottish-government-scrap-public-entertainment-licence-fees